it always sucks when you realize you need someone more than they need you.
it especially sucks when you realize you need everyone in your life more than they need you.
tonight i went for a drive to clear my head. got lost in the fucking mountains and almost ran off the road. managed to turn back around and as soon as i got back into town i got pulled over for speeding...because i was so shaken up, i wasn't even thinking about how fast i was going. luckily the officer saw how shaken up i was and let me off with a verbal warning.
still panicky from getting lost and pulled over, i tried calling a friend. no answer. tried calling my best friend. no answer. i get home, husband is sleeping. try calling another friend...you guessed it, no answer.
i've been lurking babycenter boards since then just so i don't feel so fucking alone. that got old quick...because i had absolutely nothing to say in reply to anything. so here i am. i check diaryland once in a blue moon...sometimes to see if anyone else has snuck back here, sometimes to hide. usually it's to hide, and i end up not posting what i write.
it's funny...all i wanted tonight was for someone to care. instead, i'm confiding in a long lost journal that everyone has left behind. diaryland was my sanctuary all those years ago. now it just gathers dust for us, buried away with old memories and old versions of ourselves. out of all the people who would potentially read this (after brushing off the dust and braving a few sneezes, of course)....i know they would care, but i also know it wouldn't have the impact that something here would have had 9 years ago.
fuck...9 years. despite being aware that i'm 24, twice married, once divorced, and have a child....it doesn't feel like anything of importance could have happened 9 years ago. but this diary, this website, shows that it did. it may seem silly now...but those things were obviously important enough to us then to record them. from small things like who does or doesn't like who, to big things like mothers in prison and learning to drive....those things, 9 years ago, helped define us. helped define me.
it's no secret that i'm not my biggest fan. i'm not afraid to admit it. i've fucked up a lot in life. from not seeking advice about college before it was too late to getting pregnant with another man's child before my first marriage was officially dissolved...i've made more bad decisions than 15 year old me could have ever imagined. and despite how much i love my husband and son...if i could change the past 9 years, i'd fucking do it in a heartbeat.
with my luck, i'd still be sitting here writing this pathetic entry.
one last thing before i change my mind...if anyone's out there reading this, and has a phone...fucking answer it. if someone is calling you, there's probably a reason. while it may not seem important to you, it may be the last thing the person calling has to hold on to.